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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.